Jiraiya's Book of Pick-Up Lines
by vouvezsoir
Summary: The village is in crisis, and Jiraiya's just the man to call. Rated T for perversion.


**A/N: This is my second-ever fan fiction, and I'm very excited to post it. It should be pretty lighthearted. Uploads will be on a "when I feel like it" basis, though, so don't shoot me if it doesn't get updated in a while.**

**That being said, enjoy!**

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It was unanimously well-known around the shinobi world that Jiraiya, the legendary Toad Sannin, did not consider himself to be a pervert. Just the idea of being crammed into that low-down, dishonorable category offended the sage beyond belief. After all, he had spent years-no, _decades_-of his life collecting research in order to rid himself of that very title, as well as large sums of money on state-of-the-art spying equipment. _Pervert_ was too lowly a word to describe him.

He was a _s__uper_ pervert, and he demanded to be recognized as such.

It was this very concept that he was trying to get Naruto to understand on a sunny, peaceful Friday afternoon when he was interrupted by a messenger bird. Snatching the message from the bird's talons, the Sannin grumbled. Whatever was on the slip of paper he was about to read couldn't _possibly_ have been more important than his speech. His eyes quickly scanned over the hand-written note.

_Meet me in my office. There is business to discuss._

_-Tsunade_

Jiraiya paled. "Business"? Tsunade never used the word "business" when discussing work-related topics. What was going on? Had she somehow found _those_ pictures he'd taken of her drunk? His porn stash? The hidden cameras in the women's bathhouse? The possibilities were endless, and all roads led to castration. But he had to report to her office nonetheless.

Jiraiya turned slowly to face his still-ignorant pupil.

"I have to go, but this conversation isn't over yet, kid. I'm a _super_ pervert!" Naruto grinned slyly.

"You'll always be Pervy Sensei to me, dattebayo!" Jiraiya's eye twitched, and he left before he got the urge to smack his disrespectful student.

(/)

It was a long, slow walk to the Hokage Residence and a long, slow walk down the hall that led to Tsunade's office. When he finally reached her door, he hesitated. The 30' by 80' slab of wood in front of him was the only thing separating him from potential castration. He briefly considered ripping it from its hinges and using it as a physical shield, but that thought was quickly forgotten when the door opened on its own.

A frowning Tsunade was the culprit.

"Are your legs broken? What took you so long?" Jiraiya blinked. What was he supposed to say?

"No, b-"

"I don't have time for your excuses, Jiraiya-kun. You've already wasted enough. Now, sit down-we have a lot to discuss." Jiraiya gulped and meekly sank into the seat across from Tsunade's desk as she shut the door behind him. She followed suit, sitting down in her large, imposing office chair and resting her interlocked fingers on her desk. There was a long pause before she spoke. "I understand that you're in the process of writing a new book." Jiraiya nodded slowly. Where was she going with this?

There was another long pause and a sigh before the female Hokage spoke again.

"It involves... pick-up lines for shinobi to use on women, correct?"

"That's right."

"When were you planning on publishing it?" Jiraiya raised his eyebrows. Did Tsunade want a copy or something? These questions were getting somewhat ridiculous.

"A few years from now," he said, suspicion evident in his voice. "Why, Tsunade-hime? I doubt you called me to your office to discuss my book's publication date." Tsunade disconnected her interlocked fingers to slowly rub her temples.

"You know me too well, Jiraiya-kun... What I'm about to tell you is a Class-A secret, as silly as it's going to sound. For the past twenty years, the percentage of unmarried adult shinobi in Konoha has been steadily rising. This can be attributed partly to the Third Shinobi World War, but not completely. The rest can be attributed to sheer laziness. The generation below us is not getting as... _busy_, so to speak, as they should be. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but because birthrates have been dwindling for twenty years, it's turned into a crisis." She slid a yellow Manila folder labeled "TOP SECRET" over to Jiraiya and waited for him to examine its contents.

The man hesitantly opened the folder and slowly leafed through the first few pages. There were elaborate graphs and statistics everywhere, but it didn't take a mathematician to realize that they all pointed to the same conclusion. His eyebrows hit the ceiling.

"So, if these statistics are correct, we won't have enough shinobi left to protect Konoha in..." Jiraiya stopped, pausing to check the statistics. "Twenty years?" Tsunade nodded and slid back the file folder.

"Yes. This is why I need you to publish your book by the time you get back from your three-year leave with Naruto. Preferably sooner. It seems that since our male shinobi are unable to improve their game, they're going to need your help. "

A long, thought-filled pause ensued before Jiraiya spoke again.

"So does this mean you're not about to castrate me for putting hidden cameras in the bathhouse?"

"_What?_"

There was a moment of pin-drop silence. A long one. And then the sound of wood splintering violently could be heard as Jiraiya made a mad scramble for the door, running straight through it and leaving a life-sized impression of himself behind.

Tsunade just rubbed her temples cheerlessly. She hoped she'd put Konoha's procreative fate in the right hands.

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